London Hackwatch

Sentences I Wanted to Write This Week (But Didn't)

2008-02-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

Currently, there are an estimated 250,000 Americans living in the United Kingdom, but this is also the same estimate which gets repeated every time an article appears about Americans in Great Britain appears.

Craig Kessler, a professor of population studies at the University of Westminster, said on Monday that there probably were a "billion" Americans living in London at the very least.

"You want a number?" he said. "Ok, there are more Americans in Great Britain than there are stars in the sky. Really, numbers just don't go that high."

Surprisingly, no one in the press office at the American embassy was available for comment.

Living The Dream

2007-01-10T05:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, despite all my tough talk here on the boards, I'm a meek pussy-cat when it comes to talking to sources. So are a lot of other journalists. Yet, according to an article in the Village Voice this week, at least one reporter in the Jets locker room recently had the courage (or something) to say what was really on his mind.

"Wide receiver Laveranues Coles took Mangini's dictum that injuries must not be used as excuses—although I have no idea how a fucking concussion isn't a legitimate excuse—to extremes after the Raiders win. Asked about the brutal hit he'd received in the previous week's Dolphins game, he snapped, "Ask me about the playoffs." The reporter took umbrage and turned away, muttering, "Great, now you're telling me what questions to ask."
"What?!"
"Don't tell me what to ask. Fuck you."
"Fuck you! . . . Yeah, boy, you better get far."
"What are you gonna do, huh?"
At which point the Jets' alert PR staff swooped in and gently hustled the reporter away before he could find out.
"Sorry you had to see that," said Coles, who, incidentally, was wearing a sequined Pink Panther T-shirt throughout the exchange. I debated, but ultimately decided against, asking him to show me his tits."

Clown puts on happy face but mourns death of Gerald Ford

2006-12-30T08:45:00.000-08:00

(Sometimes you just have to sit back and acknowledge that you're in the presence of superior journalism. This is one of those times. Courtesy of the Associated Press on December 29)

Clown puts on happy face but mourns death of Gerald Ford

Palm Desert, Calif. (AP) -- Harpo T. Clown painted on a happy face, then stood sadly Friday in front of the church where Gerald Ford, the former president he called a friend, was being remembered by family and well-wishers.
The colorful character wore blue and white sequins, a neon green fuzzy wig and white floppy shoes and stood just beyond the police barricade near the church.
The clown, who is mute, nodded when asked if he was sad. He pulled out a scrapbook of photographs showing him standing alongside President Ford at various charitable events and golf tournaments in the area. He also attended the Grand Rapids, Mich., opening of Ford's presidential museum in 1982.
Harpo, who lives in Palm Springs but won't divulge his real name, nodded vigorously when asked if he was a Republican and when asked if he missed his friend, President Ford.
When Palm Desert police officers walked up to check him out, he maintained his silence and scribbled down notes which the officers read before walking away.
To get into the church to pay his respects, Harpo would have had to go to a public staging area five miles away for a bus escort. He chose to stay close to the barricades outside the church.

The Future Is Here

2006-11-29T03:17:00.000-08:00

Who says there's never any good news in the papers? According to recent reports, soon we'll be able to legally play poker in pubs. At the same time, the Tories are thinking about bringing in the 35-hour work week, just like in France. Plus, they've trained sniffer bees to detect suicide bombers in the Underground.

Yes, comrades, soon we'll be blowing away our paychecks playing poker all hours of the day down at the pub, content in the knowledge that those wondrous insects have gotten that terrorism problem licked. And heck, even that pesky global warming won't be so bad after all.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas (6)

2006-09-27T01:24:00.000-07:00

Q. Hi. I'm a reporter on a severely understaffed national newspaper. A friend recently gave me a word-processing program which will switch around and rewrite the sentences in a press release (but leave the meaning intact). My question is that since most of my job revolves around rewriting press releases, would using this program be unethical?

A. Good question! And the answer is a big resounding No! You see, by using this program, it gives you time to cruise the Internet and look for other press releases to rewrite. That's called "enterprise journalism" my friend, and believe me, your editor will love you for it.

War Widows Are Hot!

2006-09-22T01:28:00.000-07:00

(Thanks to Craig Hoxton, who sent this in. This appeared in The Independent on September 22 and no matter how low you've sunk, it's good to know you can always find someone to find morally superior to)

Magazine requested 'photogenic' war widows

By Guy Adams

The editor of Glamour magazine has apologised after a reporter issued an appeal for "photogenic" modern war widows.
Jo Elvin said she was "outraged and sorry" that Military Families Against the War had been sent an e-mail asking if they could provide case-studies of women, aged between 30 and 38, whose husbands had been killed in Iraq or Afghanistan.
The e-mail, sent by a freelance reporter, Victoria Lambert, commissioned to write a feature, asks MFAW to arrange interviews, provided the women are attractive enough. "Glamour is very looks-conscious so, at the risk of sounding ridiculous, they need to be photogenic, or at least comfortable in front of a camera!" it read. "The editor likes to approve each case history, so when I send her a short bio ("X is aged X and lost her husband X in the war X") she likes to see a jpeg pic too. I know this is a big ask, but it's something she demands! Hey ho!"
MFAW refused to co-operate. "We are sad as much as angry about it," a spokesperson said.

Headlines I Wanted To Write This Week (But Didn't)

2006-09-05T04:01:00.000-07:00

Blair Loses Support of Photo Editors

Cameron... Gets On His Bike!

More Sentences I Wanted To Write This Week (But Didn't)

2006-08-31T04:23:00.000-07:00

Without further ado...

John Doe, a spokesman from the regional development office, did not return repeated calls and e-mails Monday, Tuesday and yesterday.

Media analysts contacted yesterday said that while they couldn’t tell exactly what new information Doe might be able to add to the sum of human knowledge on this situation, they said it sounded like the spokesman was “probably” hiding something.

This morning, Pat Hayes, a professor at the University of Missouri school of journalism, said that one of the main responsibilities of a press officer was “usually” to deal with inquiries from reporters in a prompt and professional manner.

“Those guys get paid a lot of cash for doing practically nothing,” Hayes commented. “And let’s face it, it’s not like they were rocket scientists to begin with.”

Calls to Doe’s three ex-wives went unreturned yesterday.

Though British Prime Minister Tony Blair is a member of the governing Labour Party, most newspapers in the United States refer to the political organization as the "Labor Party" -- in keeping with the American spelling of the word.

"Studies have shown that most American readers go insane when confronted with the English alternative," said Pat Hayes, a journalism professor at University of Missouri. "Others grow baffled and resentful, eventually forming into violent, angry mobs, which then go on to attack the local newspaper office.... It's usually for the best when we don't go confusing them."

Hayes added that he was uncertain of the connection between the British Labor Party and the longtime American holiday of Labor Day, which is being celebrated on Monday.

Waiting For That Learning Curve To Kick In

2006-08-29T03:06:00.000-07:00

Humm. Let's see. You're a leak-prone Labour government who are sinking in the latest polls. You're also been repeatedly accused of financial incompetence and of repeatedly wasting the taxpayers' hard-earned cash. So what do you do?

Well, gosh, all this criticism has gotten you down in the dumps. What better thing to do than hire out some life coaches for your ministers at £250 an hour? Gee, that'll pep you up.

Give That Man A Medal!

2006-08-26T04:51:00.000-07:00

So, according to a report today in The Washington Post, British troops abandoned a second base in southern Iraq due to increased mortar shelling from insurgents. And while local Iraqi troops were supposed to take over security, things didn't go exactly as planned:

Armed looters ransacked an abandoned British base in southern Iraq on Friday as Iraqi soldiers guarding the camp stood by and watched, heightening concerns that Iraqi troops are still ill-equipped to take control of security from U.S.-led coalition forces.

A crowd of as many as 5,000 people, including hundreds armed with AK-47 assault rifles, attacked Camp Abu Naji and hauled away window and door frames, corrugated roofing and metal pipes, despite the presence of a 450-member Iraqi army brigade meant to guard the base.

"The looters stole everything -- even the bricks," said Ahmed Mohammed Abdul Latief, 20, a student at Maysan University. "They almost leveled the whole base to the ground."

Distressing stuff, no? Yet, according to Post reporter Amit Paley, one intrepid spokesman for the British Army rose to the challenge:

Maj. Charlie Burbridge, a British military spokesman, said the Iraqi army maintained full control of the camp, even during the looting, and had managed to eject the thieves by early evening. "Our confidence in the Iraqi security forces to maintain day-to-day order in Amarah remains unaffected," he said.

Translation? Fuck you, Post reporter. So what if they leveled the place? Everything's going hunky-dorey.

Wonderful. Whatever they're paying Major Burbridge, it's not enough.

Sentences I Wanted To Write This Week But Didn't

2006-08-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

Without further ado...

Like his namesake, the legendary American journalist John Reed, British Home Secretary John Reid had once been a die-hard Communist in his youth.

Sources, however, could not confirm that Reid wants to be buried in the walls of the Kremlin like Reed (author of “Ten Days That Shook The World.”)

In recent weeks, Conservative Party Leader David Cameron has also burnished his environmental credentials by riding his bike to work in the morning through the streets of central London.

Though approaching middle age, with his Oxford education and upper class background, Cameron has been compared to Sebastian Flyte, the hero of Brideshead Revisited, the classic novel by Evelyn Waugh.

In particular, observers have been struck by the effect of the rising sun has had upon his floppy hair streaming poetically behind him in the wind - striking many of them dumb and causing them to mourn their own lost youth (along with the passing of the British empire.)

“Look upon him,” one of them sighed yesterday. “Is he not glorious?”

After sending out umpteen-billion press releases over the last five years, concerning his views on every last development in British politics under the sun, professor John Doe of Central East Gloucester University said that he “couldn’t think of a single thing to say” over the latest ICM poll.

After a brief discussion, Professor John Smith of Western Brompton College said that he “had no idea” why anybody would be asking him about the latest terrorist incident.

After further discussion, he pointed out that while his university bio did say that he was an expert in “terrorism,” it also clearly pointed out his area of specialty was the ETA movement in Spain of 1950s.

After more discussion, which could be characterized as “heated,” he added that it was “a big diff” and made some vague, somewhat disparaging comments on the state of American education.

Despite being called Islamofascists, several biographers of Benito Mussolini said this week that it was unlikely that the deceased Italian dictator would have recognized radical Muslim terrorists as kindred spirits.

A Terror Scare Too Far?

2006-08-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

According to a poll released today in the Guardian, the Tories have opened up a 9 point lead over the Labour Party. Apparently, 72% of those polled agree that invading Iraq and Afghanistan has made the United Kingdom a less safe place.

And so, what does that mean? Well, hopefully, no more feverish Will-John-Reid-Be-The-Next-Prime-Minister stories.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas (5)

2006-08-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

Q. Help! It seems like all I do these days is talk to spokespeople and copy pre-packaged quotes from press releases. I do all my reporting by phone and I haven't left the newsroom in months. Tell me, I am becoming a hack?

A. Not at all. To be honest, I think you're still laboring under the notion that talking to "real people" is in any way, shape or form "real journalism." Hey, let's be honest. You know what kind of reporter talks to the great unwashed? A general assignment reporter that's who. Really, do you want to keep writing stories about car crashes out on the highway? Is covering the East Booneville Pumpkin Festival something you want to be doing for the rest of your life?

No, under the best of conditions, the only time you should leave your desk is for lunch and to get another cup of coffee. The world outside the newsroom is great big scary place and the farther you keep it away from you, the better you'll be.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas (4)

2006-08-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

Q. Wow. What an incredible coincidence! I'm on the terrorism beat at my paper as well. But since I started on it a few months back, I've started to worry that I'm helping to demonize Muslims everywhere. I just wrote a story last week about some nonsensical study which said that "one in two followers of Islam" wanted to "do serious violence against non-believers at some point in their lives." When I looked at it again yesterday, it read like a press release for the BNP. Help! Have I crossed an ethical line somewhere?

A. Kid, don't worry about it. The only line you've crossed is the one that takes you up to the big leagues from the minors. Seriously, that article sounds like some top-quality journalism! Besides, do you seriously believe that the Blair and Bush governments might be using this latest incident as a blatant attempt to boost their poll ratings? Or that any concern over the faceless hordes of "Islamic fundamentalists" taking over Europe is simply a feeble excuse for some ugly minority bashing? Really, champ, that sort of cynicism went out with bell-bottom pants.

Besides, to paraphrase the late Murray Kempton, Muslim fundamentalists have joined that select group beloved by editors everywhere - those who have put themselves forever beyond recourse to the law of libel. You can write about them whatever your little heart desires. Time to go to town, baby.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas (Terrorism Special)

2006-08-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

Q. I've just been assigned to the terrorism beat at my paper but unfortunately, the total extent of my knowledge of the subject is limited to watching the "Die Hard" series of movies. Do you think this is a problem?

A. Not at all. In fact, I'd say it's definitely to your advantage when it comes to reaching those ever-elusive 18-to-25 readers that advertisers crave. Pepper your articles with references to these classic films and watch your editor's face light up with joy.

For example, you could write, "Unlike in the classic Die Hard movie, police sources said that the planned recent attacks on New York bound flights were not intended as a clever cover for an elaborate high-tech robbery of the Bank of England." Or, if you're in the mood for a slightly more ambitious piece, try "Unlike in the much-beloved Die Hard II, sources at the British Home Office today denied that an elite unit of Special Branch officers were planning to use this latest incident as cover for taking over Heathrow Airport."

So, in other words, don't be ashamed of your ignorance. Celebrate it.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas (2)

2006-07-25T04:32:00.000-07:00

Q. Hi. I'm a reporter on a big-city newspaper. The other day, I was working on a story about... uh... oh, yeah, about a proposed water bond bill. I really needed to talk to this one spokesman and so I kept calling his cell-phone every five minutes. Well, it turned out he was on the New York Thruway and when he finally answered it, maddened by the incessant ringing, he got so distracted that he crashed into the car in front of him. He was killed instantly, along with the other driver, and eventually, I got to wondering. Is this something I should feel guilty about?

A. No. He was a spokesman and by talking to you, he died doing what he loved. He died happy. And besides, the fact that you're asking yourself this question shows what an ethical person you are. Pat yourself on the back. You done good, kid.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas

2006-06-07T03:52:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, sometimes that expensive J-School education doesn't provide an answer to all those tricky moral conundrums which reporters face out there in the "real world." To help fill this need, here's the first installment of what I hope to be an on-going series.

Q. A lot of times when I'm on the phone with someone I'm interviewing, they go off on a wild tangent, giving me a lot of stuff which I'll never use in my article. In order not to hurt their feelings, should I keep taking notes or should I just randomly hit keys so they keep hearing the "clickety-click-click" sound on the other end of the line?

A. Good question! Randomly hitting keys might seem like the most logical choice here but in a work environment, with editors peering over your shoulder, that probably isn't the best course of action. Better yet, why don't use this "dead time" to work on a novel?

Q. I'm a young, reasonably good looking male reporter on a smalltown newspaper. I often cover local community events (like the annual Fourth of July picnic) and I'm curious. How many "real people" do I have to talk to before I start using my pad and pencil as props to hit on women?

A. Another good question! Sure, most general assignment articles can be done by a reasonably intelligent 7-year-old, but that's no excuse for shirking off what little work you actually have to do. According to a recent study by the University of Missouri, four real people is the magic number. After that, you're good to go, baby!

And if you're really interested in a job where you can wander around town randomly interacting with good looking young women (drinking from a waterfountain, twirling a baton, sunbathing), have you ever thought about becoming a staff photographer?

Time To Start The Murdoch Watch?

2006-06-05T03:46:00.000-07:00

With the Tory Party taking the lead over Labour in several polls during the last few months, Politicalbetting.com raises an interesting question today. That is, with Blair increasingly looking like he's on his way out, when does Rup stop backing his party? And given it's been a decade or so since he's shifted his allegiances, would it really matter? In the next election, will it be "The Sun 'Wot Won It?"

Interesting questions and more than hypotetical for the boys at Number 10. Watch this space.

Oh God, When Will It End?...

2006-02-08T05:19:00.000-08:00

Oh sweet lord, not another story about the Tony Blair-Gordon Brown relationship. Please Tony, step down. Step down now. If not for the country, do it for me.

Every Hack's Nightmare

2006-02-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

First, a disclaimer. I do not know Timothy L. O'Brien at all. I don't know anyone who knows him and let's be honest, though small and respectable, the organization I work for is about as close to the New York Times in clout as the earth is to Alpha Centauri. However, if he ever felt like writing me a letter of recomendation, I'd have no problem with that.

That being said, you have to have a lot of sympathy for the guy. Sometimes, a hack gets something wrong (the number of people at a meeting) and sometimes they get it incredibly wrong (describing a straight, Irish guy as black and gay). That's life down at the factory and if you're lucky, you get a chance to grovel shamelessly and keep coming in every day.

On the other hand, the worst case scenario is when you get everything right, every last fact, and some guy still decides to sue you. That exactly is what is happening right now. Timothy O'Brien wrote TrumpNation, a great book about Donald Trump, it comes out late last year, and now the Donald is suing. Apparently, he's a little upset at being described as only having $250 million to his name when, gosh darn it, he's a billionaire!

Please. This is a suit which is going to get thrown out of court at the earliest opportunity. I'm sure O'Brien nailed down his net worth down pretty good and besides, isn't the Donald a two-time corporate bankrupt?

Really. This is one of those libel suits which give libel suits a bad name.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2006-02-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

On the other hand, to be honest, sometimes we're a lot easier than we like to admit. On some of the more frivolous stories, I'll talk to anyone as long as they're good with quotes. I mean, I might strongly suspect that an "organization" is nothing more than one man, a website and a dream ("The North Kensington Anti-Fur Alliance!") but as long they don't come out and actually say it, who's to know?

Really, not to mention a killer deadline, I've got my own delusions of grandeur. Who am I to burst someone's bubble? Dare to dream, buddy.

A Tip

2006-01-31T02:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes - particularly when they're on a tight deadline - reporters rely on press releases a lot more than they like. A story breaks, it deals with a complicated issue and there simply isn't the time to track real people down. Taking quotes from a prepared statement isn't something journalists like to do but on occasion, it's a necessary evil.

On the other hand, while this sort of situation is more common than we like, here's a tip for all you PR people out there. It is never a good idea to tell a journalist to simply "cut and paste" from your release. Yes, yes, yes. I know you spent all that time crafting those beautiful, pithy quotes but trust me. We're easy but we're not that easy.

"No!"

2006-01-28T12:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, Simon Hughes, human rights activist and center-left-sort-of-guy, that's right. London Hackwatch is endorsing YOU to be the next leader of the Liberal Democrats.

Ok...

2006-01-20T03:13:00.000-08:00

It's just a strategic retreat. Really. Believe me. The man's canny.

A Man For Our Time

2006-01-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

Not that anyone cares, but London Hackwatch would like to come out today and endorse Mark Oaten. Not simply for becoming the leader of the Liberal Democrats but for Prime Minister as well.

After all, I had a two-minute conversation with him a year ago and while he probably forgot about it the second he put down the phone, if he gets in, I'll be casually name-dropping him for, oh, the next decade (particularly to Americans who could care less...)

The Fall Of A Giant

2005-12-16T05:42:00.000-08:00

For some people, it was Suez. For others, the Profumo affair. Yet for a third group, those hacks who cover the Liberal Democrats, the end of an era is here.

If, as expected, leader Charles Kennedy gets tossed out later on this month, no longer will they be able to write stories about his reported "battles with the bottle." No longer will they be able to smirk and giggle and make knowing references to him being "tired and emotional" at party conferences. And no longer will we see the traditional Springtime "Kennedy swears he's a changed man" story (complete with picture of oddly worried family).

So than, in commiseration with this intrepid little band of journalists, let us bow our heads. And pause. And maybe even say a little prayer. Alas. We shall not see his like again.

FREE FOOD!

2005-12-15T07:20:00.000-08:00

Seriously, if you're going to send out a press release for an event no one cares about ("UNICEF Announces A New Pollen-Allergy Offensive!"), that's all you need to put at the top. Even if it's a blatant lie, you'll still get enough responses to look good in front of your bosses.

Otherwise, what you get is a bunch of media bottom-feeders sneering at you ("Hey, buddy, don't waste my time!") and then flouncing off to write a bitchy entry on their blogs.

On the other hand...

2005-12-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

Just because someone hasn't put out a press release or aren't listed in a media guide, doesn't mean they don't want to talk to reporters. In fact, if at one time they've let their phone number be put out ANYWHERE on the net, that means that they'd just LOVE to talk to you and spend hours answering your braindead questions. No, really, take my word on it. Any hour of the day or night, especially when you need that all-important second source, they'll be waiting right by the phone, a huge smile on their face.

And if their number is unlisted? It just means they're shy and need to be brought out of their shell. Nag their friends and neighbors until they cough it up.

My Offer

2005-11-24T08:56:00.000-08:00

Why do people put out press releases, list their work number, home number, mobile number and their e-mail address, but get snarky when you actually phone them up for a comment? Ok, I don't work for the New York Times or CNN, but hey buddy, let's face it. You've got a book to promote and I've got some space to fill. Stop acting all innocent.

So, in the interest of all hacks under deadline, I am now declaring myself an expert on everything concerning the United Kingdom. I've been living here for twelve years, been reporting on it for three, and I can give as good a quote as anyone else. Drop me an e-mail and I'll get back to you ASAP. Sure, I probably won't know what I'm talking about but I can assure you, I'll sound like I do.

Life IS Just Like High School

2005-08-10T15:08:00.000-07:00

Here in London, there are two clubs for the foreign journalist. One is The Frontline Club. And the other is The Foreign Press Association.

Guess which one I belong to?

(Hint: It's not the one with all the cool kids in it.)