Sentences I Wanted to Write This Week (But Didn't)

Currently, there are an estimated 250,000 Americans living in the United Kingdom, but this is also the same estimate which gets repeated every time an article appears about Americans in Great Britain appears.

Craig Kessler, a professor of population studies at the University of Westminster, said on Monday that there probably were a "billion" Americans living in London at the very least.

"You want a number?" he said. "Ok, there are more Americans in Great Britain than there are stars in the sky. Really, numbers just don't go that high."

Surprisingly, no one in the press office at the American embassy was available for comment.

Living The Dream

Sometimes, despite all my tough talk here on the boards, I'm a meek pussy-cat when it comes to talking to sources. So are a lot of other journalists. Yet, according to an article in the Village Voice this week, at least one reporter in the Jets locker room recently had the courage (or something) to say what was really on his mind.

"Wide receiver Laveranues Coles took Mangini's dictum that injuries must not be used as excuses—although I have no idea how a fucking concussion isn't a legitimate excuse—to extremes after the Raiders win. Asked about the brutal hit he'd received in the previous week's Dolphins game, he snapped, "Ask me about the playoffs." The reporter took umbrage and turned away, muttering, "Great, now you're telling me what questions to ask."
"What?!"
"Don't tell me what to ask. Fuck you."
"Fuck you! . . . Yeah, boy, you better get far."
"What are you gonna do, huh?"
At which point the Jets' alert PR staff swooped in and gently hustled the reporter away before he could find out.
"Sorry you had to see that," said Coles, who, incidentally, was wearing a sequined Pink Panther T-shirt throughout the exchange. I debated, but ultimately decided against, asking him to show me his tits."

Clown puts on happy face but mourns death of Gerald Ford

(Sometimes you just have to sit back and acknowledge that you're in the presence of superior journalism. This is one of those times. Courtesy of the Associated Press on December 29)

Clown puts on happy face but mourns death of Gerald Ford

Palm Desert, Calif. (AP) -- Harpo T. Clown painted on a happy face, then stood sadly Friday in front of the church where Gerald Ford, the former president he called a friend, was being remembered by family and well-wishers.
The colorful character wore blue and white sequins, a neon green fuzzy wig and white floppy shoes and stood just beyond the police barricade near the church.
The clown, who is mute, nodded when asked if he was sad. He pulled out a scrapbook of photographs showing him standing alongside President Ford at various charitable events and golf tournaments in the area. He also attended the Grand Rapids, Mich., opening of Ford's presidential museum in 1982.
Harpo, who lives in Palm Springs but won't divulge his real name, nodded vigorously when asked if he was a Republican and when asked if he missed his friend, President Ford.
When Palm Desert police officers walked up to check him out, he maintained his silence and scribbled down notes which the officers read before walking away.
To get into the church to pay his respects, Harpo would have had to go to a public staging area five miles away for a bus escort. He chose to stay close to the barricades outside the church.

The Future Is Here

Who says there's never any good news in the papers? According to recent reports, soon we'll be able to legally play poker in pubs. At the same time, the Tories are thinking about bringing in the 35-hour work week, just like in France. Plus, they've trained sniffer bees to detect suicide bombers in the Underground.

Yes, comrades, soon we'll be blowing away our paychecks playing poker all hours of the day down at the pub, content in the knowledge that those wondrous insects have gotten that terrorism problem licked. And heck, even that pesky global warming won't be so bad after all.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas (6)

Q. Hi. I'm a reporter on a severely understaffed national newspaper. A friend recently gave me a word-processing program which will switch around and rewrite the sentences in a press release (but leave the meaning intact). My question is that since most of my job revolves around rewriting press releases, would using this program be unethical?

A. Good question! And the answer is a big resounding No! You see, by using this program, it gives you time to cruise the Internet and look for other press releases to rewrite. That's called "enterprise journalism" my friend, and believe me, your editor will love you for it.

War Widows Are Hot!

(Thanks to Craig Hoxton, who sent this in. This appeared in The Independent on September 22 and no matter how low you've sunk, it's good to know you can always find someone to find morally superior to)

Magazine requested 'photogenic' war widows

By Guy Adams

The editor of Glamour magazine has apologised after a reporter issued an appeal for "photogenic" modern war widows.
Jo Elvin said she was "outraged and sorry" that Military Families Against the War had been sent an e-mail asking if they could provide case-studies of women, aged between 30 and 38, whose husbands had been killed in Iraq or Afghanistan.
The e-mail, sent by a freelance reporter, Victoria Lambert, commissioned to write a feature, asks MFAW to arrange interviews, provided the women are attractive enough. "Glamour is very looks-conscious so, at the risk of sounding ridiculous, they need to be photogenic, or at least comfortable in front of a camera!" it read. "The editor likes to approve each case history, so when I send her a short bio ("X is aged X and lost her husband X in the war X") she likes to see a jpeg pic too. I know this is a big ask, but it's something she demands! Hey ho!"
MFAW refused to co-operate. "We are sad as much as angry about it," a spokesperson said.

Headlines I Wanted To Write This Week (But Didn't)

Blair Loses Support of Photo Editors


Cameron... Gets On His Bike!