More Sentences I Wanted To Write This Week (But Didn't)

Without further ado...

John Doe, a spokesman from the regional development office, did not return repeated calls and e-mails Monday, Tuesday and yesterday.

Media analysts contacted yesterday said that while they couldn’t tell exactly what new information Doe might be able to add to the sum of human knowledge on this situation, they said it sounded like the spokesman was “probably” hiding something.

This morning, Pat Hayes, a professor at the University of Missouri school of journalism, said that one of the main responsibilities of a press officer was “usually” to deal with inquiries from reporters in a prompt and professional manner.

“Those guys get paid a lot of cash for doing practically nothing,” Hayes commented. “And let’s face it, it’s not like they were rocket scientists to begin with.”

Calls to Doe’s three ex-wives went unreturned yesterday.


Though British Prime Minister Tony Blair is a member of the governing Labour Party, most newspapers in the United States refer to the political organization as the "Labor Party" -- in keeping with the American spelling of the word.

"Studies have shown that most American readers go insane when confronted with the English alternative," said Pat Hayes, a journalism professor at University of Missouri. "Others grow baffled and resentful, eventually forming into violent, angry mobs, which then go on to attack the local newspaper office.... It's usually for the best when we don't go confusing them."

Hayes added that he was uncertain of the connection between the British Labor Party and the longtime American holiday of Labor Day, which is being celebrated on Monday.