More Sentences I Wanted To Write This Week (But Didn't)

Without further ado...

John Doe, a spokesman from the regional development office, did not return repeated calls and e-mails Monday, Tuesday and yesterday.

Media analysts contacted yesterday said that while they couldn’t tell exactly what new information Doe might be able to add to the sum of human knowledge on this situation, they said it sounded like the spokesman was “probably” hiding something.

This morning, Pat Hayes, a professor at the University of Missouri school of journalism, said that one of the main responsibilities of a press officer was “usually” to deal with inquiries from reporters in a prompt and professional manner.

“Those guys get paid a lot of cash for doing practically nothing,” Hayes commented. “And let’s face it, it’s not like they were rocket scientists to begin with.”

Calls to Doe’s three ex-wives went unreturned yesterday.


Though British Prime Minister Tony Blair is a member of the governing Labour Party, most newspapers in the United States refer to the political organization as the "Labor Party" -- in keeping with the American spelling of the word.

"Studies have shown that most American readers go insane when confronted with the English alternative," said Pat Hayes, a journalism professor at University of Missouri. "Others grow baffled and resentful, eventually forming into violent, angry mobs, which then go on to attack the local newspaper office.... It's usually for the best when we don't go confusing them."

Hayes added that he was uncertain of the connection between the British Labor Party and the longtime American holiday of Labor Day, which is being celebrated on Monday.

Waiting For That Learning Curve To Kick In

Humm. Let's see. You're a leak-prone Labour government who are sinking in the latest polls. You're also been repeatedly accused of financial incompetence and of repeatedly wasting the taxpayers' hard-earned cash. So what do you do?

Well, gosh, all this criticism has gotten you down in the dumps. What better thing to do than hire out some life coaches for your ministers at £250 an hour? Gee, that'll pep you up.

Give That Man A Medal!

So, according to a report today in The Washington Post, British troops abandoned a second base in southern Iraq due to increased mortar shelling from insurgents. And while local Iraqi troops were supposed to take over security, things didn't go exactly as planned:

Armed looters ransacked an abandoned British base in southern Iraq on Friday as Iraqi soldiers guarding the camp stood by and watched, heightening concerns that Iraqi troops are still ill-equipped to take control of security from U.S.-led coalition forces.

A crowd of as many as 5,000 people, including hundreds armed with AK-47 assault rifles, attacked Camp Abu Naji and hauled away window and door frames, corrugated roofing and metal pipes, despite the presence of a 450-member Iraqi army brigade meant to guard the base.

"The looters stole everything -- even the bricks," said Ahmed Mohammed Abdul Latief, 20, a student at Maysan University. "They almost leveled the whole base to the ground."

Distressing stuff, no? Yet, according to Post reporter Amit Paley, one intrepid spokesman for the British Army rose to the challenge:

Maj. Charlie Burbridge, a British military spokesman, said the Iraqi army maintained full control of the camp, even during the looting, and had managed to eject the thieves by early evening. "Our confidence in the Iraqi security forces to maintain day-to-day order in Amarah remains unaffected," he said.

Translation? Fuck you, Post reporter. So what if they leveled the place? Everything's going hunky-dorey.

Wonderful. Whatever they're paying Major Burbridge, it's not enough.

Sentences I Wanted To Write This Week But Didn't

Without further ado...

Like his namesake, the legendary American journalist John Reed, British Home Secretary John Reid had once been a die-hard Communist in his youth.

Sources, however, could not confirm that Reid wants to be buried in the walls of the Kremlin like Reed (author of “Ten Days That Shook The World.”)


In recent weeks, Conservative Party Leader David Cameron has also burnished his environmental credentials by riding his bike to work in the morning through the streets of central London.

Though approaching middle age, with his Oxford education and upper class background, Cameron has been compared to Sebastian Flyte, the hero of Brideshead Revisited, the classic novel by Evelyn Waugh.

In particular, observers have been struck by the effect of the rising sun has had upon his floppy hair streaming poetically behind him in the wind - striking many of them dumb and causing them to mourn their own lost youth (along with the passing of the British empire.)

“Look upon him,” one of them sighed yesterday. “Is he not glorious?”


After sending out umpteen-billion press releases over the last five years, concerning his views on every last development in British politics under the sun, professor John Doe of Central East Gloucester University said that he “couldn’t think of a single thing to say” over the latest ICM poll.


After a brief discussion, Professor John Smith of Western Brompton College said that he “had no idea” why anybody would be asking him about the latest terrorist incident.

After further discussion, he pointed out that while his university bio did say that he was an expert in “terrorism,” it also clearly pointed out his area of specialty was the ETA movement in Spain of 1950s.

After more discussion, which could be characterized as “heated,” he added that it was “a big diff” and made some vague, somewhat disparaging comments on the state of American education.


Despite being called Islamofascists, several biographers of Benito Mussolini said this week that it was unlikely that the deceased Italian dictator would have recognized radical Muslim terrorists as kindred spirits.

A Terror Scare Too Far?

According to a poll released today in the Guardian, the Tories have opened up a 9 point lead over the Labour Party. Apparently, 72% of those polled agree that invading Iraq and Afghanistan has made the United Kingdom a less safe place.

And so, what does that mean? Well, hopefully, no more feverish Will-John-Reid-Be-The-Next-Prime-Minister stories.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas (5)

Q. Help! It seems like all I do these days is talk to spokespeople and copy pre-packaged quotes from press releases. I do all my reporting by phone and I haven't left the newsroom in months. Tell me, I am becoming a hack?

A. Not at all. To be honest, I think you're still laboring under the notion that talking to "real people" is in any way, shape or form "real journalism." Hey, let's be honest. You know what kind of reporter talks to the great unwashed? A general assignment reporter that's who. Really, do you want to keep writing stories about car crashes out on the highway? Is covering the East Booneville Pumpkin Festival something you want to be doing for the rest of your life?

No, under the best of conditions, the only time you should leave your desk is for lunch and to get another cup of coffee. The world outside the newsroom is great big scary place and the farther you keep it away from you, the better you'll be.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas (4)

Q. Wow. What an incredible coincidence! I'm on the terrorism beat at my paper as well. But since I started on it a few months back, I've started to worry that I'm helping to demonize Muslims everywhere. I just wrote a story last week about some nonsensical study which said that "one in two followers of Islam" wanted to "do serious violence against non-believers at some point in their lives." When I looked at it again yesterday, it read like a press release for the BNP. Help! Have I crossed an ethical line somewhere?

A. Kid, don't worry about it. The only line you've crossed is the one that takes you up to the big leagues from the minors. Seriously, that article sounds like some top-quality journalism! Besides, do you seriously believe that the Blair and Bush governments might be using this latest incident as a blatant attempt to boost their poll ratings? Or that any concern over the faceless hordes of "Islamic fundamentalists" taking over Europe is simply a feeble excuse for some ugly minority bashing? Really, champ, that sort of cynicism went out with bell-bottom pants.

Besides, to paraphrase the late Murray Kempton, Muslim fundamentalists have joined that select group beloved by editors everywhere - those who have put themselves forever beyond recourse to the law of libel. You can write about them whatever your little heart desires. Time to go to town, baby.

Real World Ethical Dilemmas (Terrorism Special)

Q. I've just been assigned to the terrorism beat at my paper but unfortunately, the total extent of my knowledge of the subject is limited to watching the "Die Hard" series of movies. Do you think this is a problem?

A. Not at all. In fact, I'd say it's definitely to your advantage when it comes to reaching those ever-elusive 18-to-25 readers that advertisers crave. Pepper your articles with references to these classic films and watch your editor's face light up with joy.

For example, you could write, "Unlike in the classic Die Hard movie, police sources said that the planned recent attacks on New York bound flights were not intended as a clever cover for an elaborate high-tech robbery of the Bank of England." Or, if you're in the mood for a slightly more ambitious piece, try "Unlike in the much-beloved Die Hard II, sources at the British Home Office today denied that an elite unit of Special Branch officers were planning to use this latest incident as cover for taking over Heathrow Airport."

So, in other words, don't be ashamed of your ignorance. Celebrate it.